How to Establish the Message for 2015

For 2015, I want to pick a verb as a form of action for my resolutions instead of a laundry list of how to improve myself or sweep out the ashes.  It’s so easy to just say you’re going to do something and to have it be perfectly expected to fail since “everyone else does” only to move on to the next year and do it all over again.

It will be an annual tradition, starting this year, so I chose “connect.”  It wasn’t solely because I’ll be joined with my BF in holy matrimony by the mid-point of the year.  I had to pick a word with a quality that didn’t automatically take a direct object, one that possibly only involved the subject.  There are no rules, per se, but to me it was important to ponder over it enough that it had to have multiple meanings and could not be passive.

Last year, I set up a playing field, with my career, that made it easier to move onward and upward in the second year.  A one-year plan started to feel too rushed and when you deal with other people’s schedules and the cycle of when job opportunities arrive it created panic.  What actions had to be done, right away, or what I needed to learn the most, so that way the second year of the plan, it was easier to wreck it in just the right away?  Not wreck my potential for a better-paying job, but destroy those expectations, methods, and illusions that were unhealthy.

And then it was obvious what created momentum came from new people, new relationships, new connections.  Old friends, far away in various cities across the country, who kept me in their world or were pleased to share with me their new arena and dreams, made me feel it was okay to reconnect.   The support felt so great and new opportunities arrived because of it.  I opened up to new people and saw they rolled out a bridge to escape to a more exciting future.

Life takes on more meaning for me with writing, art, reading and love when I connect.  Transfer to the page with my thoughts; join up with the mood of whatever I’m painting or sculpting; to couple up with new and old favorite literature; to join with my fiance for a lifetime.

“I don’t understand how the last card is played
But somehow the vital connection is made”

Read more: Elastica – Connection Lyrics | MetroLyrics

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Hyperfocus hyperbole

A term spoken of in very non-glowing ways in the psychiatric and educational environment, hyperfocus is the very thing that saved me in the past few months.  Saved me from what, exactly?  The reality of my day-to-day existence before I re-framed this supposed bad habit wasn’t too full of any optimism; it was more ‘how do I live through this day?’ than anything else.  It isn’t meant to be dramatic, rather a comparison to the level of happiness I feel now.

Hyperfocus makes you lose yourself in the moment until that moment is a string of them and the sun sets in fast motion like a film in fast-forward.  Only I didn’t have those moments, anymore, and speaking as an artist, that was as though I lost a limb.  More dramatics!  This is how I am, though, and the melodrama is me; she keeps me warm in the brain.  Now, there are habits incorporated that help me re-direct that focus in other areas, while at the same time I schedule in the things that make me go blind with concentration…Otherwise, I won’t be able to complete the tasks I need to get done which put monies in the bank–or give me an allowance for food and beer, at least. 

When there was a lack of time spent on what made me content, despite the people around me who offered any sort of fulfillment through conversation and support, then I grew resentful and cranky.  Somehow, the moment that made it click was a perfect slurry of resolutions made good, production, events, an Adult Clinical ADHD diagnosis, counselors, dedication and the realization that my boyfriend and I picked the same night to propose to each other.  There is a tangibility to it all when we cook dinner, or drift off to a bad Hong Kong film on the couch or list off the ways we’re rearranging the space we occupy at home to spark creativity.

We have an agenda and my hyperfocus guided that into fruition.  This is where I will come to reflect on the steps, the development into who I was meant to be, as I have a second chance at that.Image